this year has been hard.
november has been the hardest.
^^my friend Whitney made me these gems in photoshop and i luh her.
babies are sleeping. THIS is in the crock pot (if i have to cook supper on my birthday, i feel like something kinda sexy in the crock pot is the best option?) i am wearing my husband’s shrunken, genuinely distressed jeans (as in, real tractor oil, take that RAG & BONE) and a chambray. my friend laura made me a heath-bar coffee cake at play group this morning; i had a brownie from my best-aunt-friend becky for breakfast; i made myself a double batch of shmallow popcorn.
parents babysitting tonight…drinks with my sister and friends (yay!)…husband working late still (boo!)
i am here. imagining this cartoonish bright streak of time, landing me right on this quiet couch. better and worse than i’ve ever been, at peace and discontent, tired and energized, empty and full…probably, a pretty standard emotional landscape for a mom with her first babies.
26 gave me lucy. 27 gave me tobin. i revolve around this raw passion, this core of warming love that makes everything so extreme…extreme feelings of failure, satisfaction, confidence, duty, insecurity. extreme desires to build my little world, create it into something beautiful and welcoming.
i’ve quit reading almost all blogs. i went through this voracious quest for whom i wanted to be for awhile, and blogs kinda let you try worlds on, and now i’m done. i wouldn’t even decorate our pre-baby apartments because my focus was so future-oriented, and suddenly life’s settled and the present feels so poignant and my home is my world. not in a denim jumper way, in a passionate, immersing, natural way that has nothing to do with being a career woman or not. i know what i’m interested in and i know what i like (or exactly what i like to copy and what i don’t, ha!) i know what i need to do every day. i don’t want to be any type of mother but myself, and i can’t, because mothering is an extension of myself (i’m not saying i don’t make myself a leech to certain moms i admire though, and take all their good and try to make it my own.) i sacrifice, probably not enough but also not too much; i don’t really hold onto guilt for long. i deeply enjoy the days with my babies and the hard days break my heart. i have the worst potty-mouth i’ve ever had. i’m curious and unsure of almost everything. i’m still really young and stupid, but–just as lucy’s child face is starting to emerge from her toddler face, just as tobin’s baby face is turning into a toddler face–my adult soul is sketching out. the me i am, and will take with me year by year, is more familiar.
this is very off-the-cuff, but i think it’s all true. i just heard lucy. how to end this super fast?…
2013. really hard and really awesome. lots to work on (i.e., zero pyscho texts to my husband on my crappy days) and goals to solidify and life to enjoy even though it’s imperfect and incomplete…i have my youth for a few years yet…OK really gotta go. XOXO
before harvest started, jonny and i watched a show called “the mind of a chef” with momofuku’s david chang. a few episodes feature rene redzepi, the chef behind the restaurant noma–if you don’t know anything about it, they almost obsessively limit their menu to ingredients found (literally, foraged) in the Nordic region. it’s considered the best restaurant in the world right now and their menu is crazy (watch THIS two-minute youtube and you’ll pick up on their vibe.)
redzepi is so cooky, with this crazy, almost creepy creative energy. he inspired me so much that i started following him on instagram…the idea of a self-imposed boundary in the first place, the subsequent thoughtfulness of looking closely at what’s available within that boundary, and then this wildly resilient and daring creativity that results in something mind-blowing and beautiful. a paradox of complex simplicity.
i guess i just feel freed by this concept. artistically, i feel freed to start NOW. write about where i am, in my current (im)maturity, with my current repertoire of life experience. look close. turn things over. taste. what can i do with you, life?
inspired. geographically…domestically…relationally…financially…sartorially (psssshh yeah right, holy best moment in fashion ever right now IMHO, i want everything!) anyway. just a lil thought!