i have wondered many times over the past year and four months, “is worse possible?”
i half-wondered, instinct-wondered, without the interest/energy to actually play possible scenarios out in my mind (be a mother in an ebola-stricken village, a displaced Syrian? find out i have cancer? have my husband lose his job? suffer a divorce?)
i have actually said out loud that i didn’t believe in rock bottom anymore, weary and bitter.
but there came a moment about a month ago where i realized that something had changed, and i suspected that i was freed from those questions: that the worst did exist, and that i had done it. the moment felt like sitting on a floor with almost egg-like objects scattered around me, quiet emanating from their middle. everything was broken open in its truth, and there was calm.
i wondered for a moment if i was afraid anymore, and then knew i was and always will be: the worst never completely leaves, never fully turns its sear nor heals the scar. lucy’s death and the aftershocks have gradually and cruelly ground me down to that moment of calm, and i need things to get better because i can’t sustain more of the same. but there is a relief in being here. i am taken down to nothing, and now i guess i’m the kind of person who can stare out at the ocean and feel both worthy and small: whatever happens during the rest of my lifetime, nothing can take me to a place i haven’t already been.
these are delicious, low-glycemic, protein-packed and full healthy fat/nutrition! a fav at our house! give yourself 45 min-1 hr to make these, but you’ll only be active for about 10.
1 c justin’s vanilla almond butter
1 c brown rice syrup
5 scoops vanilla protein (each about 22 g)
dark choc chips
1. melt the almond butter and the brown rice syrup over low heat until glossy.
2. remove from heat and add 5 scoops of protein. i use arbonne because it tastes like cake batter and is plant-based!
3. now, remove your “dough” from the saucepan and let it TOTALLY cool in a bowl for 30 minutes or so. otherwise your choc chips will melt! i usually use about a half bag.
nom nom!!! the cutest little taste-testers in all the land!!
4. roll up into little balls! i store in frig over layers of parchment, and let them come to room temp before they’re eaten! so they’re soft and pliable how we like them! (#maturity)
noooo makeup. pretty sure my hair isn’t combed. pretty sure no bra either. i’m about as sure of these things, as i am of the fact you will make these again and again.
valentine’s day 2011 was the first time we heard lucy’s heartbeat. I took her elmo and pink balloons yesterday and the cemetery was windy and cold.
the internal spectrum i have to envelop on holidays, the crystal sharpness of image and memory, is far beyond the usual and honestly i’m really fucking tired tonight even though it was a good, surprisingly fun weekend in all sorts of ways.
good and hard.
tobin’s little hands gripping measuring cups, being so careful not to spill flour and sugar as he “dumped” ingredients into the bowl for pop tart dough, shaking the container of “sparkles” over pink frosting for his valentines.
my hands looking a little blue from being cold and sending me into a total terror remembering death-colored skin, totally blindsided and then sobbing the rest of a random drive to hyvee.
hanging onto the dirty-farmer hand of the man i will always love no matter what, buckling in and hanging on. (i love you so much jonny.)
i did make a fairly ridiculous playlist on spotify, click here to listen.